I was taken aback by this verse the other day:
For if I rebuild what I tore down, I prove myself to be a transgressor. 19 For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God. 20 I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. 21 I do not nullify the grace of God, for if righteousness were through the law, then Christ died for no purpose. (Galatians 2:18-21 ESV)
For if I rebuild what I tore down.
What have I torn down the past year? The need to always achieve. Self-performance & reliance. (side note: you can read a bit of my story here, but I will be writing more to come).
I am not putting it lightly to say that my way of being is changed. And I know that that sounds like a lot for a year– it is — but sometimes it takes an illness (or major event) for something that has clung to us our entire lives to finally unravel especially when it is false.
I have taken some major steps to remove myself from the old life I built for myself, and I have been day by day learning to walk in a new life. But that doesn’t mean that the process is easy or comes naturally, because in fact, much of it seems foreign to me – like I have to learn to live all over again.
But, God. God does the work. Not me.
I will be very honest and say that since we moved, some of these tendencies and thought patterns have been brought back up in me without me even knowing what was happening. I’m not working right now, so instead of pouring all of my achievement energy into my job or school I started pouring it into my house.
I have to make that chicken stock today. I have to get all of the laundry done. I have to meal plan perfectly so Solomon isn’t hungry at work. I have to swiffer the floors so no cat hair is ever visible.
Did I mention we just moved after fixing our house for 6 months?
I was telling Solomon I was overwhelmed with the move and all there was to get done when I’m feeling so exhausted meanwhile. He told me I didn’t have to meal plan or clean – that he wasn’t putting that on me. He then asked if it was possible that I got so excited about the move that I forgot to set up good boundaries for myself. Oh…yeah. [Thank God for marriage, right?!]
I will never step into the rest that the Lord has for me by relying on my idea of what my life should look like now. “The life I now live I live by faith in the son of God…” and not through my albeit righteous efforts.
So, I’m pressing reset.
photo credit (second photo) death to the stock
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